How to ask effectively

How many times have you wanted to ask someone for something but to afraid to ask incase you don’t ask effectively?

Most people have an in built fear of hearing the word “NO.” My Father always told me “if you don’t ask you don’t get.” How true this is.

You would be amazed at the reaction you will get by straight forward asking for exactly what you want. Ask exactly but in a nice way so there is no confusion to how it can be interpreted. The person being asked must be under no doubt of what you are asking.

Whilst training with Dr Bandler (co inventor of NLP) many years ago he quite rightly stated that we Brits have a habit of going round the houses to ask a simple question or give an explanation to why we can’t have/want/to do something. We are excellent at talking ourselves out of things we would like to have or do. The inner saboteur is so strong within and if allowed to get it’s own way all dreams and wishes drift out of the window!


There are ways of asking and other ways of asking, the sales people reading this may well know all about those, for the rest of us, I will explain.

By softening the asking it will be accepted in a more approved way than if just telling. 

For example, if I wanted someone to move a car blocking the road and the person is just sitting there so that I could not drive past I might tap on their window and say something like  “Hello ( with a smile and nice tonality), I am just wondering how long it might be before you move as I would like to get past please?”

This is a much more acceptable ask than sitting there waiting for the person to move, getting impatient and losing your rag, shouting at them to get out the ******* way! – All that does is raise your blood pressure and rile the other person who will then probably do something else to wind you up further!

Communication is the name of the game. When teaching communication techniques (which I do with small groups) one of the things I teach is how to use various techniques in communicating with different types of people in different situations to bring about a positive reaction.


By types I mean those that communicate via using different senses – listening, seeing, or kinaesthetically (VAK).

We all have a preferred way of communicating and the key is to find out which one the listener uses.

For instance, a listener, or auditory-orientated person may say to you “I hear what you’re saying”.

A visual will say something like “I see what you’re saying”

whereas a Kinaesthetic will say something like “I get the feeling of what you’re saying”.

By adjusting to their language patterns you will find that communication between you will become easier.

When talking to a group of people it is wise to use all three modalities (well there’s actually 5 but I am only going into 3 here) to make it inclusive.

This is so effective in many areas of life, not just in the working environment – it’s essential in your private life as well! If you are not using the same underlying language you are not singing from the same song sheet!

To find out more please contact Teresa at